Budgie Smugglers and Bonking!

So the Editor of our Triathlon club news letter actually asked moi to write an article for the New Year addition. I was told to write about anything I liked… Mawhahhahahahaahahahahaaaaaaaa I know right! So I did and here it is, you’re welcome. 

Well I took the plunge as you all know and as I could not beat my husband with his bike I decided to join him in Triathlon, I mean why be good at one sport when I can be mediocre at three. I also have the same sense of humour as a 12 year old so coming into Triathlon has been pure comedic pleasure for me. The fact that a whole club of athletes can use certain terminology without batting an eyelid is beyond me! You may frequently see me in a training session sniggering to myself about something a coach has just said and then looking embarrassed when no one else is laughing.

Never has bonking been a bad thing until Triathlon, when it is turned from bedroom athletics to the feeling of complete depletion and bewilderment and the possibility of wandering about forgetting your name…who am I again?  But before you even get to the event there is the training and club training is bloody hilarious! Watt Bike training consists of watching your peanuts and turning them into sausages, it is all about the sausage, wiping shit off your shoes so you scrape back at the bottom of your stroke and basically sweating, groaning and puking.

Swimming is all about having a nice sloooooow stroke rate per minute…..I mean seriously! And then there is fist swimming, breast stroke, rhythm drill, one pull, two pull and side stroke. Then we have the budgie smugglers some of the lads like theses more then others..cough Club Chairmen…cough. I wont even bother with the whole wetsuit lube up situation there are not enough words or time.

The bike you get saddle sore and pee on yourself…yep that is right you pee on yourself, now let that just sink in…As an adult you will piss yourself and you will do it on purpose.

The run is all about nipple chaffing which I am happy to say seems to be a bloke thing ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha….seriously boys it is a small price compared to the crap we deal with. Then there is the thing that not even I with my juvenile sense of humor can cope with, the farmers blow is DISGUSTING!!!! A full blown snot rocket perfectly shot out of the nostrils I feel queasy just thinking about it. Oh and finally never ever trust a fart…..

Taken from the news letter:

Note fromthe ed: it
is worthwhile learning
the ‘farmers blow’ as
described by Mag. I
pride myself in my
skills in both distance
and accuracy. Note of
caution: ALWAYS
check behind you before
committing…
Also, for the record, I
have yet to pee in
situ! I am proud that I
completed IMW in a
one piece without
peeing for a full 12
hours and 17 mins!!

I AM STILL SICK AND IT HAS BEEN A MONTH!!!!!!!!!!!!! In Other News I Have Been Asked to Write for Our Triathlete Club Newsletter and I Did Not Win This Years Fancy Dress at the Tri Club Dinner….DAMN YOU SNOWQUEEN…..I’m not Bitter!

I have literally been ill since December the 2nd and my training geeks looks like an angry lobster. I have the chest infection to dominate all chest infections it has its own nuclear red button of destruction and IT’S BIGGER THEN YOURS SO NER! I had it for four days then suddenly felt a bit better, I nag OPI/Coach to let me train and she said I can do one hour easy on Trainer Road of Pain…..I did three. The next day I was banging on deaths begging to be taken in. So then two days later I feel a little better and do an hour again on Trainer Road without this time without telling Coach OPI,  she phones me as I am sneaking out to meet a friend for a swim session and reads me the riot act down the phone so I am now no longer going swimming, the next day I swim I feel like someone has punched me in the chest at this point I think about doing what OPI has told me. It is now the 17th of December and shockingly I am dying again, Hubby tells me to go to the doctors and guess what…I don’t! To be fare I am only going to get told to put my big girl pants on and take Vitamin C and lets face it I am not a priority for the NHS they have much worse cases to deal with…however my face glands have swollen and I look like a guinea pig so I better go to out patients. I am told I don’t have mumps (my mother in-law terrified me with this diagnosis) but a sore throat and sent me on my way, Hubby is happy as I have no voice at all. With the doctors, you only have a throat thing so MTFU I decide it is OK to follow the plan and do my Trainer Road and go to the club swim and then a home FTP. Now if there were medals for how not to train this is it, please note I have evaded my coach for most of this. 

I go to the Watt Bike session of hell the next day at 5.45 am and I have no motivation or drive in fact half way through I am going to leave…apart from the fact the blooming pedal clips ins will not let me unclip, I am actually mounted on the watt bike with no way out, swearing under my breath. I sulk through the rest of the session while throwing OPI filthy looks when she shouts out encouragement it’s now the 22nd and I do as I am blooming well told and don’t train. NEW YEARS DAY, yay I am motivated and pumping to go, I do still have the lurg but I have rested up for a week so I push it on the trainer road because I have a new FTP and I am raring to go smash the bike, maybe more of a hard tap then a smash but I am happy with that. I have hubby giving me encouragement and pushing me to go harder I also now have Clip in pedals on my bike which I have to say I put on myself after Hubby said he couldn’t do it as my old pedals were pretty much wielded on. The thing about me is if you tell me I can’t do something or that something can’t be done and I think I can or It can be done. Well then it is going to get done, I am a stubborn as they come and I love to prove people wrong. We have a huge hole in our living room wall waiting for me to insert a lintel so I can put in a fire place to also prove this!

 

 

OK, back on topic, I finally get to my GP because I have yet again hit a wall and now I am hacking all night and not sleeping. Turns out I have a bacterial chest infection have been put on killer antibiotics and have to have a chest x-ray, take that outpatient GP, I am ill!

So today is the 9th and I am still not training, however I am busting with motivation, killer antibiotics are making me chuck up but are working. OPI has told be I can get back to training in a couple of days starting on bike no run for a week and am confined to only indoor training for a while but hay she CLEARLY knows more then me because lets face it if I had done what I was ‘bloody well told’ in the first place I most likely would still be training.   While I was creating all this drama for myself (keeps life interesting). I was asked by our Triathlon Club Newsletter Editor would I like to write for the club and she gave me a free rein on what I could write about, all I can say is she might live to regret that statement ha ha! So I have put together a highly inappropriate blurb about triathlon and submitted it, her response was ‘Only you’ a response I must say I am quite proud of.  I am also sad to inform you that I did not win this years fancy dress I was beat by the Snow Queen and I mean the real Snow Queen none of this snowflake Disney stuff. As reining champion I chose the theme this year and really, with a theme like Myths Fairy-tales and Legends you would think there would be MILLIONS of choice. I decided to go as Medusa the peeved of Gorgon who was a bit of a drama queen feminist….PERFECT! Clearly no one else in the club is original and I turn up to be met by about another 20 Medusas….And a German/Swedish man in a mankini  and a flashing genie…. as a club we have an unhealthy obsession with costumes. Anyway Snow Queen who look pretty damn cute you are in my sights for next year lady! Watch this space…cough!

My Nemesis and I

 

Chest Infection Viral Thing, Angry Red Training Geeks and Netflix Binge.

After an excellent week of training and finally some small gains I got the bloody lurgy. Sad times, I have spent  the week on the sofa binge watching Netflix and feeling like utter cr@p….. I have watched more movies then a film critic this week and could actually write the whole blog on what not to waste your life watching..

Horror: The Emily Rose Exorcism, not scary.

Docu-Horror: Blue Planet, Portuguese Men of War episode, bloody terrifying.

Rom-Com…Can’t remember the name, there was a girl and a boy and something happened. So good I can’t remember it.

Basically Porn: 50 Shades Darker…….WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!!!

Binge Worthy Series: Olympus, It’s Okay I think…

Binge Worthy Series: Designated Survivor…. YES!!!!!!!!!

 

My kit has cobwebs and my Training Geeks is red, red, RED

ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG Twitch, twitch… I actually miss training but I am so ill sob…sniff… OPI has actually banned me from training as the virus is on my chest, so has told me to rest up. Now OPI telling me to rest is like she opened her mouth and some strange language came out that no-one has heard before. She told me that if you are not used to training and then start training like a maniac then it is quite normal after a while to get ill. So I officially have Ironman Training Flu which is far worse then Joggers Trots or Swimmers Ear. How many actual Athlete Aliments are there out there, OK I am kidding that’s hypothetical I know just how many there are as I work in a Sports Recovery Physiotherapy Practice so I know exactly what I have to look forward to ha!  ‘Do Ironman’ they said ‘It will get you fit’ they said! Pass me  the cheese…

Swim Etiquette Rules And My Coach is A Shark In The Water!!

So after the grueling Watt Bike session last week at midnight, OPI come and picks me up for swimming coaching or as I like to call it drilling!  Today in my bunch of drilling I am going to learn Fly…OPI does the very elegant swooping through the water like an expertly trained dolphin and then tells me is my turn. To get me ready she stands in the water and shows me how to move my body in the form of Fly, I then have a go and feel like a dolphin auditioning for a pole dancing club. OPI then Fly’s through the water like Flipper the Friendly Dolphin, I then attempt to follow and look like a drowning trout, a member of the public starts to roar with laughter while I choke on a mouthful of water.

If you are wondering who all the happy ladies are in the pool, well they are the water aerobics class that was going on at the same time as the swimming drilling.  They had an extremely energetic water aerobics teacher who was literally running around the pool with a head piece on like Madonna in the 80’s. The ladies were all in the later part of their life, not that you would know the way they were all pumping those foam  dumbbells, I hope I am that energetic at that age.

Next thing I know, an older gentleman gets in the pool and starts to swim in a breast stroke like fashion. Only he spreads his arms and legs as wide as he can smacking me a few times as he goes past. I mean seriously I take back the ‘gentleman’ part of the sentence he was like a bulldozer and there was loads of room!!!!

Now there are very clear rules to the pool, so here they are;

The Ten commandments of lane swimming

1. Pick a lane that fits your swimming, DON’T DO BREASTSTROKE IN THE FAST LANE (for once I was actually the fast lane…Remember the age of the swimmers if in doubt).
2. Do not disrupt the rhythm of the lane, so don’t stick your man feet in my face.
3.  Gently foot tap the other swimmer if you would like to swim past them so they pause for you at the end of the lane to allow you to take over.
4. Rest at the end of the lane by tucking yourself into the corner to not disrupt other swimmers (I do this muchly the resting bit that is).
5. Only tumble turn if you are confident you will not headbutt other swimmers in your lane or in my case the floor.
6. Use your noggin and not to headbutt people (I did this last year when learning to swim, I literally headbutted OPI because I swam the wrong way around the lane we shared!) Be sensible and polite do not swim and take up the whole lane don’t overtake someone unless it is safe and if there are loads of people in a lane go into another one.
7. Do not jump into a lane in front of someone swimming, you will be surprised how often this happens.
8. Do not cross over to another lane and get in the way of someone swimming already in that lane (I know right!)
9. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE PEE IN THE LANE ITS NOT BLOODY IRONMAN!
10. And last but not least do not screw up the swim for someone that OPI is swim coaching by kicking them with your slow breaststroke, she will turn into a shark and swim straight into you….seriously she is awesome!

 

Watt Bike Puke Fest, Hill Sprints Run Puke Fest, Lets Just Call This The Puke Fest Blog Post…..

Well the past week has been very interesting, got up last Wednesday morning at 5 am for a Watt bike session……Hang on, let me rephrase that, got up at 5 am in the middle of the night for a Watt bike session. Legs were shredded from the day before as I had the plyometrics session and swimming drills with Cardiff Tri club.

So off I go to the midnight watt bike session run by Cardiff Tri in Ufit coached by non other then OPI. It is jam packed with Cardiff Tri members looking all bright eyed and bushy tailed…Bawwwahhh ha ha ha who am I kidding we all looked like shit apart from OPI who is talking about pain and looking extremely pleased with herself. I have the FTP to do today, well I thought I felt rough getting up at that time all I can say is it was the most horrific training session EVER! But at least OPI has my functional threshold power measurements which are  commonly defined as the highest average power you can sustain for an hour, measured in watts. FTP is  used to determine training zones when using a power meter or watt bike and to measure improvement (thank you Google).

See below for actual photographic evidence of me in the class…

An hour after I have left and am on my way to work OPI rings me to discuss her findings on my measurements.

Opi: Hey hun, when you said this morning you were never doing a watt bike session ever again, were you seriously?

Magpie: Ha ha no I was joking of course I am coming again (DAMMIT!)

Below  in red is what she actually said and in blue is what I have changed it to for comedy value. 

Opi: Ok good, because we have a hell of a lot of work to do I have seen your measurements and they are a little worse than I thought. 

Opi: Thank f@#k because this is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay worse than I first thought, you’re shit! 

Magpie: Righty oh then 🙂

Opi: It is going to be a challenge but if you do your plan it is doable.

Opi: OMG, girl you are screwed I am going to make you work your arse off!

Magpie: I will I swear (bloody midlife crisis!) 

Opi: You are going to be spending a lot of time on the Turbo. 

Opi: I am going to staple your arse to the Turbo.

Magpie: Righty oh then 🙂

Opi: It will be fine we will get you there!

Opi: F@#k!

 

 

 

 

 

So this Week I have been working hard and still following my plan, I even went to the run sessions my hubby coaches which I have been told are brutal and I have been avoiding like the plague! They were brutal…….mop head will have to pay! I actually adore him really, so he is safe.

I returned to Watt bike puke fest and worked harder, I have come to the conclusion that it is going to hurt whatever so expect the hurt and except the hurt. In fact there is only one way when you are on the bottom rung of the ladder and when you have OPI with a baseball bat batting you up, well then you’re sorted.

 

 

When OPI Says Jump, I Jump.. Back Home To The Gym!

I am besides myself excited I am going back home to the gym, Training Geeks said so! OPI picks me up and off we go, now I love the gym and when I met hubby I was a 6 days a week power lifting gym addict. I was a teeny tiny slip of a thing that could lift well over double my body weight. I love power lifting sooooooooooooo much, dead-lifting was my favorite, arse to the grass squats and bench. <3<3<3 So today I am a very happy gym bunny.

It starts well we get on the leg press the move over to the lat pull downs, throw some dumb bells around and then we go upstairs and do leg extensions. I am very happy we throw around weights, this is the life, this is my game, this is my world. I love everything about this place. More plates then a banquet, more squat racks then butts and the biggest lifting floor I  have ever seen. And now we get classes here with the Tri club…HEAVEN!!!

Then something happens…OPI speaks a language I can not understand, it is like she is talking in tongues…Pli…..PLIO…..PLYO….METRICS…PLYOMETRICS. What is this strange thing you speak about?

It is basically how long will it take me to make Magpie throw up, fart or pee herself training!!!!!!! It is a lot of jumping core related vomit training, it is exerting maximum force in short intervals and little rest training. It is how to take Magpies happy place and poop on it training.

To top it off I am being picked up by OPI in the morning at 5:15 am…yep you heard it here first, 5:15am. To do an FTP on the WATT bike session basically more vomit training..I would like to write more but I have to get ready for Tri club swimming drills! Oh wait, I am also being banned from drinking wine more then once a week and I have to eat healthy ALL THE TIME. Basically hubby is texting her to tell her if I cheat, double crossing mop head. I better be half the size I am now after Christmas, just don’t mention the Baileys in my fridge! x

Diamonds (Swimming Drills) Are Not A Girls Best Friend And OPI Bans Me From Eating Cheese.

So I finally managed to go to two swimming sessions in one week, I have no choice it’s on my Training Geeks and we are doing drills. Today is all about learning to swim in a diamond formation thingy and drafting. But not before we have to do a kicking drill and then jump up on the side of the pool and do ten press ups, OPI loudly states next to me that the girls can do girly knee press ups or just do five if they can’t do them all. OPI has known me a very long time and knows exactly how to wind me up so knows very well that after that comment I will be doing the ten full press ups……I fall for this every time! Each time I get out the pool to do the press ups, I wonder will this be the time I slip on the poolside and face-plant the floor… I do not….I survive.

I have come to the conclusion that our wonderful coaches in Cardiff Tri dream up the worst possible drills that they can for a laugh.  I kid you not at one track session we pretty much had to chicken walk around the track then wave our arms around, it made us look like we were trying to take flight..I am expecting that at the Christmas bash they will unveil a film taken throughout the year of us all looking like pillocks during training sessions, you heard it here first!

Anyhooooo, we have to swim in a diamond formation, one swimmer in the front then two at their hips and then three following. We are to stay in the shape for the whole length then change at the end and come back repeating said formation. As winter training has started EVERYONE seems to be at swimming club and we have new members so the pool looks like a piranha tank.

I can not emphasis just how shockingly shit I am at this, on the first drill I get cramp in my foot and the uncompleted diamond swims off without me. I then catch up…..after they stopped and they put me at the front so I manage to stay with them. Then the next one I cannot keep up and when I finally get to them and we turn around I boot someone in  the face, I then choke on water and finally quit. Now I know that this is a great drill because it does help towards preparing you for swimming in rough water with lots of swimmers and teaches you how to draft. However at this point I have 304 days till Ironman Wales and I give zero ducks, I have swallowed way to much water I could have drowned on the side of the pool.

Below is an actual life drawing of Ironman Wales sea swim I didn’t draw the rain as I may have just as well of chucked a bucket of water at the laptop. We not only have jelly fish but also now sited this October the deadly Portuguese Man O’ War that appeared suddenly this year. This is basically a floating colony of monsters that behave as one. The sea creatures have ‘only’ proving deadly to humans when their sting causes a serious allergic reaction or when large areas of the body have been stung, or when the stings are in an area with a large amount of blood flow such as the neck…..let me just let that sink in for you…. The sea at Ironman Wales is full of these aliens (only explanation) and are only deadly IF they sting a large amount of you. I KNOW LET’S GO BLOODY SWIM WITH THEM FOR A FEW MILES.

In other news OverLord Pain Inflictor has banned me from eating cheese after reading my last but one blog, ‘Sob’.

My favourite cheese and it’s Welsh! Nom! 

What Sadistic Barsteward Put A Run After The Bike in Triathlon?

I don’t normally post more then once a week let alone twice in one day but OMFG!

My first brick session was on my Training Geeks today, you want to know why it is called a brick session? It is because it feels like some twat has picked up a brick and repeatedly beat the crap out of my legs!

I had to Turbo Trainer of Torture then go for an (easy) 5 km run. Well let me tell you there was nothing easy about 5 km after the TTT! Who thought it was a good idea to put a run after a bike in triathlon? My Legs actually ceased to work I don’t actually think I can feel them anymore I know Triathlon is supposed to be hard but REALLY.

My legs trying to work on a run after the bike was harder then me running for a bus in heels when I am drunk. I literally am the queen of running in heels while drunk, in fact if this was a sport I would be living the high life with sponsorship from Christian Louboutin and Jimmy Choo. Feel free to send me free shoes I would totally sell out and push your product!

Other things I could win a gold medal at are;

Eating my weight in cheese..My name is Magpie and I have a serious cheese addiction I literally can eat a whole block and have done on many occasion.

Having the hottest baths and showers…I have to boil myself, lobsters stand aside I got this.

Obsessing about dogs….I love dogs like more then life itself.

Giving sports massage…You haven’t experienced a sports massage until you have had one with me!

Not being frightened by horror movies…Seriously do your best, I took PE GCSE after that teacher nothing scares me.

Eating Peanut butter…There is nothing on this planet (food wise) that I wouldn’t eat with peanut butter.

Drinking wine……Don’t really need to say more, Iechyd da!

Doing really bloody stupid things….Like signing up for Ironman Wales 2018

I am so excited about doing more brick sessions it will be fun to see how much it actually will take to break my legs :).

Running and Swimming in Circles, Training Peaks (Geeks) and Pie..

I am now on Training Peaks Whoop! OPI has now sent me the beginning of what is sure to be a year of pain training plan yay! So focusing on building basic fitness for now I have so far done a run, turbo, gym and swim and have lovely little green boxes in my training peaks. You see this little App makes the boxes amber or even red if you do not do exactly as you are told so this completely feeds into my slight OCD….I also have to be able to walk three steps when I cross a road before a car drives behind me, I know right, nutter!

I gotta say, I really enjoyed the run, 10 km in the evening and it’s times like this I really see just how lucky I am to live where I do, it is very beautiful. We get the city the sea and the countryside great place to live for any triathlete.

 

Yesterday I had a Cardiff Tri swim session, OPI came and picked me up and off we went, we arrived early. I am so not used to being early for anything when travelling with hubby who prides himself in being as late as possible for everything!

So we get into the pool and I am delighted to be moving up a lane I would have liked that it was because I have improved so much that I was promoted but alas…It was due to new members joining and making room for them.

So with five of us in the lane I set off first as I turn on the lap and come back I can see the other girls in my lane have not started and are just watching me. Clearly my amazing technique and mermaid like front crawl (do mermaids front crawl?) is astounding them them and they dare not move due to the shame of not being able to compare with such a formidable swimmer. I get back to them and they all look slightly confused and tell me I am swimming the wrong way and should be swimming down on the right and back on the left. Now in the baby lane that I was in before we swam down on the left and back on the right clearly the grown up lane is different so I chuck off my armbands and take my rightful place at the back. It is a lot of fun swimming with these girls and they all look as horrified as me when we are told we have to tumble turn at the end of the lane.

So while the faster lanes look like this……

I  look like this….

But I don’t care my Training Peaks (for geeks) looks like this…

In other news I made a pie…It was lush!

Off to do a Turbo Trainer Of Torture and then a run, it’s getting real now!!! Only 305 days till Ironman Wales……Shit!!!!!

Marshal’s Law

It is 5 am on a Sunday morning and my alarm has woken me up and the first thought is…WHY THE HELL DID I VOLUNTEER TO BE A MARSHAL FOR THE CLUB!  Even the dogs don’t move when I come downstairs, I mean, what the actual….I need caffeine. Long miserable getting ready story short, I am waiting outside the house for my lift. Charlie is watching from the window and he actually has a look of ‘seriously!?’ on his face.

The lovely Harriet arrives and she hasn’t slept a wink as she was so anxious about not waking up in time because lets face it 5am is not the morning! So today is the day that Cardiff Tri are running the Cosmeston Sprint Duathlon which is run 5km, bike 19.5km, run 2.5km. As member s of Cardiff Tri we need to marshal one event that we run a year, I actually could have completely got away with this as I have only been a member again for the past month and the year is almost finished…I literally have no idea why I volunteered….Anyway we arrive and team up with the lovely Lowri we are bike course marshals and we are even more delighted to find its right by a shop..SCORE!

Our job is to cheer like maniacs and take numbers of law breaking competitors we are also wearing extremely important Hi-Vis jackets..This is Marshal Law and no one is breaking the rule of the land on our watch, we then go into the shop and get a breakfast picnic.

Breakfast of champions

We manage to persuade the shop manager to let us use the Ty bach Translator, then saunter off to take up our positions. Having also managed to talk the shop into giving me a free pen I have all the tools I need to marshal the hell out of this event. And we’re off!!

We get to our spots and take up our positions and I spot a parrot….Yeah you heard me an actual parrot sitting on a car at 7am in the morning on a Sunday in Wales. I sometimes wonder about my life I mean you couldn’t  make this stuff up! Now I know that in some parts of London you can find flocks of these birds but in Wales this is not common so I expect the chatty little pretty Polly has escaped.

Now according to the people living in this house Polly has been there for three months and stays in the vicinity of three houses. Yet no one has thought to report her to anyone, as a hardcore animal lover my head silently implodes and I post Polly onto a local missing pet page.

Lowri and I spot the first cyclist speeding towards our marshal spots and we turn into raving lunatics, jumping up and down and cheering. The cyclists speeds past poker faced and doesn’t even glace in our direction. We feel deflated, we have been up since 5am on a Sunday would it kill you to smile! Fortunately this does not continue and we pull as many shapes as we can to entertain the cyclists as they speed past. I start to wonder if at some point a local resident will open a window and yell at us what actually happens is a lovely family come out and give us drinks (only in Wales)  the parrot continues to watch our antics. Cars actually slow down and give the cyclists a wide berth when they see us, I feel very important and consider wearing this on a daily basis. We are so hardcore we yell and cheer for the whole two laps and see every cyclist through, I am happy to report that lots of awesome competitors were very happy and we were even told we were the BEST marshals (smug). Only one naughty competitor was caught by us for drafting and then overtaking another cyclist dangerously close, NOT ON MY WATCH BUSTER and I phone it through to the bosses. We gather up our things and head back to the car, in this time Harriet and I discover we suffer from the same distorted view on how we look. We actually think we look awesome until we see photo’s that other cruel people take and post on social media and in fact come to the realism that we see ourselves thinner then we are, Harriet names it body pro-morphia and we tuck into the chocolate bars Lowri bought for us and contemplate our muffin tops.

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In other news I baked a crap cake for our Cardiff Tri bake off, it didn’t turn out like I expected it to, Mary Berry would have pulled her eyes out to stop the horror.

The training is still happening and OPI is now putting me on Training Peaks so she can monitor my activity….IS THERE NOWHERE TO HIDE?????????